I’m the first to admit that I know diddly-squat about the male of the species. I haven’t lived with one long-term for a quarter of century, so … clueless.

But, I go to the gym, y’know? A small gym, with two toilets … unisex all the way. And there is not one occasion on which I have walked in to that toilet and not found the seat up and a little sprinkle of boy-spray around the pedestal.

What the actual fuck, guys?

There’s a reason why girls pee sitting down. It’s because we are anatomically incapable of aiming.

(Yes ladies, I know, I know … under certain circumstances and with fair amounts of determination, not to say alcohol, that’s not strictly accurate, but let’s try and keep a few trade secrets just between us girls, yeah?)

But guys, you are perfectly designed for aim.

That’s why penises are exactly as they are. They have evolved to look that way in order to maximise the chances of you depositing sperm in exactly the right place to impregnate that pesky, playing-hard-to-get egg.

It’s called biological imperative. (Oh, Google it, would you?)

So, why, WHY, is it so hard for you to accurately deposit your piddle in a hole several factors of 10 larger than the average cervix?

I understand that penises aren’t perfectly symmetrical and that there are individual little anomalies that may throw your stream off-centre, but for crying out loud.

You’re adults — you’ve had those penises all your life. Have you not yet learned to adjust for your own nuances??

You step up on the tee knowing you have a tendency to slice and so you adjust your address to the ball, correct? You’re about to kick from the sideline for the match and the wind’s blowing left-to-right so you start it out left of the posts, don’t you?

So what on earth is so hard about getting that piddle in the pot, fellas?

And, while we’re on this vexed subject, if you do happen to miss, what is so hard about cleaning up your mess?? The paper’s right there. You don’t even have to work up a sweat doing it.

For fuck’s sake.